about leaping

I have been working off and on in the advertising/graphic design industry since high school. I am blessed to be able to pick up software pretty quickly and easily and this work has paid my bills and fed my family for years.

But –  lately I have been in a pretty dysfunctional place with my day-to-day life at the print shop. I like the people I work for and with. It is a small business, we are a good team, more like a family and it is flexible. For months now I have found myself not even wanting to get out of bed on days I am going to work there. I have a bad attitude about the work. I have been thinking about leaving for a while, but I am afraid of being without, despite the fact that my life is full of plenty. I have been saving money, and paying off my debt, telling myself to wait just a little longer, and a little longer…

Then this week two things happened right after one another and I suddenly knew deep in my bones that I can’t wait any longer. The first was an email from my paper swap partner this month Robert, who said “AND. . . for heaven’s sake, don’t let a silly old paper swap distract you from the work you are truly here on earth to be doing!!!” What an idea to hit my tired mind, there IS work I am meant to be doing, letterhead isn’t it…

The second was talking to Caitlin while installing the womanhouse work. As I was driving home in the car I was just swept away by a deep sense of loss and longing. I wanted time to be in the studio with that wallpaper again, to “commune” with my women. I wanted time to just be with my husband and my family and friends, I am tired of “fitting them in” my crazy schedule. I was suddenly struck by how much of my identity is wrapped up in my need/ability to juggle this superhuman amount of stuff in my life. Like Atlas, I wanted just for a second to lay the whole burden down.

I happened to be home alone Thursday night before class, I sat in my studio and did some hard thinking. I am still afraid of being without, but I am going to try anyway. I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted from me, even though I will be continuing until the end of the month. Suddenly a whole panorama of possibility seems open ahead of me and I am excited in a way I haven’t been in a long time. I feel it is safe to say that there will be much mood swinging going on around here for a while, but I thank all of you good friends for your support and encouragement.

Here comes a new day, I hope I am equal to its promise.

9 thoughts on “about leaping

  1. Bravo Deb – taking the leap of faith is really brave, and also wise. Life is too precious to waste on not living your passions and loves! Now that the leap has been made, I have faith doors windows and all kinds of ‘openings’ will be happening for you!! No holding the presses, they’ll be printing up a storm 😉

  2. wow, a new amazing life change- and you’ve taken the magical key and opened a new door in front of you. I’m so excited for you- as it is always such a dream to be able to live everyday where your passion is- and you will be doing it! Congratulations- and feel free to reach out on the gray hued days in addition to the beautiful rainbow days!! Look forward to seeing that April door swing wide open! Hugs

  3. Bravo!!! so proud of you Deb! I was 50 when I finally decided that I had spent half of my life doing things to make money (other than art) and suddenly I realized that time was short and I had better get on with doing what I came here to do.

    I have to say that sometimes I do without some things I would really like, but my life is so very creative now…. that when I have plenty it MEANS so much more!!! go for it! Life is soooo good! congrats! Bella!!!

  4. It means so much to me to have your support, all of you dear friends. I was thinking today how odd it is to feel so connected to all of you whom I do not even really “know”, odd but wonderful! I hope I have made a good choice, time will tell…

  5. I want to congraulate you on this brave decision. From the words you are writing, this seems to be the right thing to do at the right time for you. And great that you feel the support that is out there for you!

  6. seth, thanks for adding your voice to the chorus!! I really do appreciate the support of my blog-o-sphere friends in this!!!!

    • Evangeline, I think it is fair to say that there will be lots of wavering going on around here in the coming months, but thanks for the vote of support!!

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